My Enduring Journey of Infertility
Putting the Process on Pause.
I have been married since February 2013, and my husband and I have been trying to expand our family for six years. Before we got married, we’d decided to wait two years before we would try to get pregnant. But that changed about six months after we said: “I Do.” I was excited, nervous, and a bit scared to embark on this journey to motherhood. But it was something that I’d always dreamed about. I’d married the man of my dreams who loved children and was the baby whisperer. We would have as many children as our hearts desired and live happily ever after. But shortly after we decided to start trying I felt that something was wrong. And I was right! I went to the doctor for my yearly physical and talked to my doctor about my wanting to get pregnant sooner rather than later. All of my test looked good and I was told to go home and try, and if I didn’t get pregnant within six months, to come back and they would run a few test.
My Diagnosis
I went two months without a cycle and several negative pregnancy tests. For most women that’s not a big deal, doctors don’t become concerned unless you’ve been trying for longer than a year. After advocating for myself and scheduling monthly appointments with my doctor, they ran several tests and I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). The diagnosis was very hard to accept initially because there is a list of about 20 possible symptoms that come along with this diagnosis. Some of them are quite severe and jarring. But the one that kept replaying in my mind was, INFERTILITY. My primary care physician wasn’t even familiar with the disease. I was immediately referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). I was fortunate to be able to see the RE the day after I received my diagnosis. He handed me a stack of paperwork about my diagnosis and told me after reviewing my test results, I would probably never conceive a child without medical intervention.
I was then prescribed Clomid and after four failed cycles; each cycle with a higher dosage. I felt defeated, depressed, insecure, and inadequate. Most of all I felt alone, although my husband was right by my side during the entire process. At this point in my life a number of my friends were pregnant or had children. All of the women in my immediate family had children. In church circles, I was being asked constantly, “When are you going to have some babies?” While I was extremely excited for my friends and family, I was also struggling in private. Having to compose myself and put on my everything is alright face every time I walk into church. Having to smile through the pain and hold back the tears. One of the most important things that I’d ever wanted, may not become a reality... Why me?
Let’s Take a Break
After much thought and many discussions with my husband and best friend. After excessive weight gain, and dealing with anxiety for the last 6 six years. I decided it was time to take a break. The side effects from the medication, taking 12 additional supplements and the hormones were making me crazy! This break was to help me get my mental and physical health in order. This break has turned into 4 years. During this period, I’ve had time to reflect, work on my marriage, help my husband lead a ministry, spend more time with family, and draw closer to God. I have had time to research, educate myself, and come to terms with all that comes with PCOS. Also through this diagnosis, I have learned that I am not alone. I have found a community of women that are encouraging, supportive, and willing to be vulnerable for us to help each other.
In January, I was supposed to restart my journey to motherhood.
But my anxiety got the best of me and I rescheduled my appointment for March………..
And then the world shut down and we entered a global pandemic.
THIS JOURNEY IS TO BE CONTINUED!
